little parts

some blog updater I am. I keep telling myself just to sit down and type, but nearly every time I do that my fingers stall at my keyboard. I don't think I have writer's block, I have masses of things to type about. I think it has more to do with fear. I'm scared of what I may dredge up in myself when I go poking around for stuff to write about. I could keep it all at a superficial level, but I would get bored with that in about 10 seconds.

there's been so much change in my life in the past two months. graduating from college, moving, enrolling in a new college, finding a job. each of those things have pushed me farther and farther beyond my comfort zone. I'm not even sure I remember what my comfort zone looks like anymore. I miss it, but I'm also a creature of habit and big change is terrifying for me. I was comfortable where I was, maybe not always happy...but I was comfortable. I'm uncomfortable right now. I'm away from friends, away from family, away from my familiar places. I get lost trying to find the library (which is less than a mile from me), I have all these new worries. yes, these worries are apart of every adult's life, but it's still new and scary for me. I've laid awake so many night terrified, just thinking about bills. I don't want to ask for help, but I don't ever want to be late on my bills either. My mind is filled with "what if I can't.." that I run through about eight million times a day. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but most of all... I'm scared of failing myself. I've dreamed about moving and going to BHSU for so long and now it's reality, I'm nearly paralyzed with fear of messing something up.

I realize more and more that I'm so sick of fear being a constant in my life. I feel like a fearful person right now, scared of what's around every corner. The fear has changed over the years; going from fear of survival, fear for my life...to just fear of what's to come in my life. I want to control all the aspects of my life, but that's just not possible. I can't control people, I can't control what's going to happen tomorrow. I torment myself going over situation in my head and then the situations never even happen. I put on my bravest mask and I face the day and never let people know how terrified I am. I cover it up with a quick smile or an easy laugh and hope my eyes don't betray how uncomfortable I am. I've spent so much of my life with some sort mask on, protecting myself from the world around me.

Lately I've been missing what I never really had. I crave a healthy father/daughter relationship, but I never had one and I mostly likely never will. I crave a happy relationship with my grandparents, any grandparents, but all the relationships I have are strained. The strained relationships are partially my fault at times because of my inability to allow people close, and I have yet to figure out the other parts. Sometimes I look at my grandparents and wonder if they really know me, or understand who I am. I want to be able to tell someone everything. Everything I have lived through, everything I've seen, just everything. I have some wonderful people in my life, but I always hold parts back. I tell people just little parts here, little parts there, but I never tell all. I think it would be healthier if I let everything out, but I'm not sure I could even do that.

just a minor late night meltdown. I have get this all out of my head/off my chest or I'll keep myself awake for hours.