Cleanse

I keep forgetting to blog. Writing is something I'm discovering is necessary for my sanity, I need to release all the thoughts that swirl around my head.

I've been in the midst of huge amounts of change lately, along with some personal growth. I've moved into my own apartment in a different state, going to new, giant school and learning to be completely independent. The move wasn't so bad and I love my apartment. The school is huge, but I'm making friends and not getting lost so often. The independence part has always been in me, but I've been dragging it out more often. I still get the urge to pat myself on the back after I've paid a bill.

I have been feeling slightly stretched thin, but that was my own thoughts stressing me out. I'm not the first to balance school and work, and I won't be the last. I need to remember to take a minute and de-stress from time to time and not forget to write.

Personal growth has been a bit trickier. I tend to be very shy around new people, to the point of being seeming very standoffish. New social situations make me incredibly anxious, my poor cuticles have taken a beating lately. I've been making myself talk to people and come out of my shell a little bit. I've noticed that every time I talk to a person, it gets a little easier. I don't get quite so anxious.

I've also done some purging. I'm not clinging onto things as much as I used to. I've let go of some of the anger I've been carrying around for so long. Anger at various people, along with anger at situations I've been in. I've also been getting away from the toxic people in my life. I got sick of being exhausted after dealing with someone. I'm sick of being sad, upset or angry all the time. Its time for me to happy in my own skin.

Being an adult is exhausting.

little parts

some blog updater I am. I keep telling myself just to sit down and type, but nearly every time I do that my fingers stall at my keyboard. I don't think I have writer's block, I have masses of things to type about. I think it has more to do with fear. I'm scared of what I may dredge up in myself when I go poking around for stuff to write about. I could keep it all at a superficial level, but I would get bored with that in about 10 seconds.

there's been so much change in my life in the past two months. graduating from college, moving, enrolling in a new college, finding a job. each of those things have pushed me farther and farther beyond my comfort zone. I'm not even sure I remember what my comfort zone looks like anymore. I miss it, but I'm also a creature of habit and big change is terrifying for me. I was comfortable where I was, maybe not always happy...but I was comfortable. I'm uncomfortable right now. I'm away from friends, away from family, away from my familiar places. I get lost trying to find the library (which is less than a mile from me), I have all these new worries. yes, these worries are apart of every adult's life, but it's still new and scary for me. I've laid awake so many night terrified, just thinking about bills. I don't want to ask for help, but I don't ever want to be late on my bills either. My mind is filled with "what if I can't.." that I run through about eight million times a day. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but most of all... I'm scared of failing myself. I've dreamed about moving and going to BHSU for so long and now it's reality, I'm nearly paralyzed with fear of messing something up.

I realize more and more that I'm so sick of fear being a constant in my life. I feel like a fearful person right now, scared of what's around every corner. The fear has changed over the years; going from fear of survival, fear for my life...to just fear of what's to come in my life. I want to control all the aspects of my life, but that's just not possible. I can't control people, I can't control what's going to happen tomorrow. I torment myself going over situation in my head and then the situations never even happen. I put on my bravest mask and I face the day and never let people know how terrified I am. I cover it up with a quick smile or an easy laugh and hope my eyes don't betray how uncomfortable I am. I've spent so much of my life with some sort mask on, protecting myself from the world around me.

Lately I've been missing what I never really had. I crave a healthy father/daughter relationship, but I never had one and I mostly likely never will. I crave a happy relationship with my grandparents, any grandparents, but all the relationships I have are strained. The strained relationships are partially my fault at times because of my inability to allow people close, and I have yet to figure out the other parts. Sometimes I look at my grandparents and wonder if they really know me, or understand who I am. I want to be able to tell someone everything. Everything I have lived through, everything I've seen, just everything. I have some wonderful people in my life, but I always hold parts back. I tell people just little parts here, little parts there, but I never tell all. I think it would be healthier if I let everything out, but I'm not sure I could even do that.

just a minor late night meltdown. I have get this all out of my head/off my chest or I'll keep myself awake for hours.

oh life

tonight was a strange night. a night that hurt me, angered me...and made me realized how much I am loved by the people around me. I was broken up with for the silliest reasons, but life goes on. I'm going to be making a huge change in a few months and who knows from there? not knowing used to terrify me, now I'm excited. I can travel, I can stay in school for as long as I want (or for as long as I have money..). yes, I'm hurting right now. yes, I will get over it. but it sure does suck for right now.

what I'm most thankful for? a wonderful family and amazing friends.

delete

I deleted all my post on here, merely because I want to start over. I've done a lot of growing and learning in the past two years and I'm dragging my blog along for the ride. I finally feel like writing and creating again, which I haven't felt for a while. let's rock and roll blog.