a little more fun post after the serious stuff.
I've always been a mess.
And smiling normally has always been difficult.
Actually, I may have been part cat.
Parents took some awesome blurry photos, but look at all that hair. I miss it.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Open letter.
The 25th of November marks the fourth anniversary of my father's passing. It's easy to write about the pleasant aspect of his life, and the nice memories. However...his life wasn't always pleasant, and all the memories I have of him aren't nice. He wasn't a good father, he wasn't really a kind man.
Dad,
At first, I started writing about the great memories I have of you, but lets be honest...there aren't that many. The memories I have of you contain a great deal of fear. The fear you created in my life carried over to every aspect of my life, I still find myself fearful sometimes. You were abusive. You were angry at anyone that stepped into your path, and you never hesitated to express that rage. Even all these years later thinking about some of the things you did shakes me to my very core and I just want to find somewhere safe to hide.
For years and years, I hated you. I wanted you gone; I wanted you to stop hurting me and my family. You never faced any consequences for anything that you did, or anything you put your family through. It never seemed like you suffered, you just inflicted pain on everyone else. I tried for so many years to figure out why you were so angry, what I had done that was so incredibly wrong...but I never could figured it out.
I realized not too long ago that whatever I may have done didn't deserve the abuse you dealt out. It was one of those startling realizations....it didn't matter why you were angry, you didn't deserve to hurt me, your daughter, your other daughters, and your wife. It didn't matter if you had a terrible childhood, it didn't entitle you hurt others as badly as you did. You tried justifying the abuse to me for so long, but none of it is justifiable. You never had any reason whatsoever to hurt me.
I was angry for so long, and clung to that rage and pain. I had a white knuckle grip on every wrong, and wrapped myself up in my anger. It didn't do me any good, just like it never did you any good. I had to let that anger go. I saw what it did to you, and I have no desire to live my life hurting people.
Is it easier to never change? Absolutely. Deciding I want to be a better person and then make those changes is exhausting. But I also don't want to wake up in my forties and not be on speaking terms with any of my kids. You have five kids, and not one of them spoke to you months before your death.
I'm not angry at you anymore Dad. I'm still hurting and I'm still healing from all the trauma, but I refuse to let myself rage against you anymore. It's not worth it to me. I'm sad you're gone, but I think you would have continued to hurt people....I don't think you ever saw a reason to change. I do wish that your life had gone differently, so we could have had a better relationship. I think I'll always miss you, and I'll always wish things had gone differently. But, that doesn't change what kind of man you were when you were here. I'm going to remember you for the father you were, not the father I desperately wish you could have been.
I do have some pleasant memories of you, and always remember those times you put your anger away to enjoy your family.
Dad,
At first, I started writing about the great memories I have of you, but lets be honest...there aren't that many. The memories I have of you contain a great deal of fear. The fear you created in my life carried over to every aspect of my life, I still find myself fearful sometimes. You were abusive. You were angry at anyone that stepped into your path, and you never hesitated to express that rage. Even all these years later thinking about some of the things you did shakes me to my very core and I just want to find somewhere safe to hide.
For years and years, I hated you. I wanted you gone; I wanted you to stop hurting me and my family. You never faced any consequences for anything that you did, or anything you put your family through. It never seemed like you suffered, you just inflicted pain on everyone else. I tried for so many years to figure out why you were so angry, what I had done that was so incredibly wrong...but I never could figured it out.
I realized not too long ago that whatever I may have done didn't deserve the abuse you dealt out. It was one of those startling realizations....it didn't matter why you were angry, you didn't deserve to hurt me, your daughter, your other daughters, and your wife. It didn't matter if you had a terrible childhood, it didn't entitle you hurt others as badly as you did. You tried justifying the abuse to me for so long, but none of it is justifiable. You never had any reason whatsoever to hurt me.
I was angry for so long, and clung to that rage and pain. I had a white knuckle grip on every wrong, and wrapped myself up in my anger. It didn't do me any good, just like it never did you any good. I had to let that anger go. I saw what it did to you, and I have no desire to live my life hurting people.
Is it easier to never change? Absolutely. Deciding I want to be a better person and then make those changes is exhausting. But I also don't want to wake up in my forties and not be on speaking terms with any of my kids. You have five kids, and not one of them spoke to you months before your death.
I'm not angry at you anymore Dad. I'm still hurting and I'm still healing from all the trauma, but I refuse to let myself rage against you anymore. It's not worth it to me. I'm sad you're gone, but I think you would have continued to hurt people....I don't think you ever saw a reason to change. I do wish that your life had gone differently, so we could have had a better relationship. I think I'll always miss you, and I'll always wish things had gone differently. But, that doesn't change what kind of man you were when you were here. I'm going to remember you for the father you were, not the father I desperately wish you could have been.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
twenty-five
I recently turned 25 and it was tougher than I thought it would be. Not that I have an issue with my age, I'll own my age. It was the thought of turning 25 and that I was actually alive.
I never expected to live past 18. It was a combination of an absolute terrible home life and the suicidal tendencies that followed that sort of home life. To say my father was a violent man would be an understatement. He was unhappy with everything in his life, and I was unlucky enough to be vulnerable enough to be one of his targets.
The week leading up to my birthday I felt shocked every time I thought about my birthday. 25. Twenty-five. It felt strange saying it. I was going to be 25. I had lived to 25. I was in complete control of my life. I have my own apartment, my own car, I'm following my dreams to become an educator. I am in charge of every aspect of my life finally. This seems like a normal thing for some people, but when I think about all the freedom and control I have I feel giddy.
My shock has worn off about my age. It's being slowly replaced by joy and excitement. Everyday might not be the best day ever, but I get to experience that day. I might not always meet the best people ever, but I get to go out and meet and interact with people everyday. And surprise surprise, not everyone is out to hurt me. Actually, no one really wants to hurt me. I'm still learning to not look at everyone with suspicion and distrust. I've made huge strides in opening up and making friends, but I still have some difficulties.
Every day might not be wonderful, but I get to live it, without fear of being hurt physically, verbally, or mentally. Living without fear is something heady and wonderful.
Twenty-five is going to be wonderful, along with every year after it.
I never expected to live past 18. It was a combination of an absolute terrible home life and the suicidal tendencies that followed that sort of home life. To say my father was a violent man would be an understatement. He was unhappy with everything in his life, and I was unlucky enough to be vulnerable enough to be one of his targets.
The week leading up to my birthday I felt shocked every time I thought about my birthday. 25. Twenty-five. It felt strange saying it. I was going to be 25. I had lived to 25. I was in complete control of my life. I have my own apartment, my own car, I'm following my dreams to become an educator. I am in charge of every aspect of my life finally. This seems like a normal thing for some people, but when I think about all the freedom and control I have I feel giddy.
My shock has worn off about my age. It's being slowly replaced by joy and excitement. Everyday might not be the best day ever, but I get to experience that day. I might not always meet the best people ever, but I get to go out and meet and interact with people everyday. And surprise surprise, not everyone is out to hurt me. Actually, no one really wants to hurt me. I'm still learning to not look at everyone with suspicion and distrust. I've made huge strides in opening up and making friends, but I still have some difficulties.
Every day might not be wonderful, but I get to live it, without fear of being hurt physically, verbally, or mentally. Living without fear is something heady and wonderful.
Twenty-five is going to be wonderful, along with every year after it.
writing revamp
It seems like I have the weekly idea of "heeeyyy, should work on my blog.." And every week, it doesn't happen. This little cycle has gone on for weeks and weeks. I've had this blog for a few years, and it's been sadly neglected.
I came to the realization that I've been writing for all the wrong reasons. I was writing for others, putting a happy little sunshiney spin on the things that swirl around in my head. I need to learn to write for myself, and only myself, to learn how to unpack some of the really terrible things I've been packing around for years.
So, for from now on, I'm writing for me. Hi, me. It's time I start unpacking all the boxes I pack around and get rid of some demons. I'm sick of them.
I came to the realization that I've been writing for all the wrong reasons. I was writing for others, putting a happy little sunshiney spin on the things that swirl around in my head. I need to learn to write for myself, and only myself, to learn how to unpack some of the really terrible things I've been packing around for years.
So, for from now on, I'm writing for me. Hi, me. It's time I start unpacking all the boxes I pack around and get rid of some demons. I'm sick of them.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Cleanse
I keep forgetting to blog. Writing is something I'm discovering is necessary for my sanity, I need to release all the thoughts that swirl around my head.
I've been in the midst of huge amounts of change lately, along with some personal growth. I've moved into my own apartment in a different state, going to new, giant school and learning to be completely independent. The move wasn't so bad and I love my apartment. The school is huge, but I'm making friends and not getting lost so often. The independence part has always been in me, but I've been dragging it out more often. I still get the urge to pat myself on the back after I've paid a bill.
I have been feeling slightly stretched thin, but that was my own thoughts stressing me out. I'm not the first to balance school and work, and I won't be the last. I need to remember to take a minute and de-stress from time to time and not forget to write.
Personal growth has been a bit trickier. I tend to be very shy around new people, to the point of being seeming very standoffish. New social situations make me incredibly anxious, my poor cuticles have taken a beating lately. I've been making myself talk to people and come out of my shell a little bit. I've noticed that every time I talk to a person, it gets a little easier. I don't get quite so anxious.
I've also done some purging. I'm not clinging onto things as much as I used to. I've let go of some of the anger I've been carrying around for so long. Anger at various people, along with anger at situations I've been in. I've also been getting away from the toxic people in my life. I got sick of being exhausted after dealing with someone. I'm sick of being sad, upset or angry all the time. Its time for me to happy in my own skin.
Being an adult is exhausting.
I've been in the midst of huge amounts of change lately, along with some personal growth. I've moved into my own apartment in a different state, going to new, giant school and learning to be completely independent. The move wasn't so bad and I love my apartment. The school is huge, but I'm making friends and not getting lost so often. The independence part has always been in me, but I've been dragging it out more often. I still get the urge to pat myself on the back after I've paid a bill.
I have been feeling slightly stretched thin, but that was my own thoughts stressing me out. I'm not the first to balance school and work, and I won't be the last. I need to remember to take a minute and de-stress from time to time and not forget to write.
Personal growth has been a bit trickier. I tend to be very shy around new people, to the point of being seeming very standoffish. New social situations make me incredibly anxious, my poor cuticles have taken a beating lately. I've been making myself talk to people and come out of my shell a little bit. I've noticed that every time I talk to a person, it gets a little easier. I don't get quite so anxious.
I've also done some purging. I'm not clinging onto things as much as I used to. I've let go of some of the anger I've been carrying around for so long. Anger at various people, along with anger at situations I've been in. I've also been getting away from the toxic people in my life. I got sick of being exhausted after dealing with someone. I'm sick of being sad, upset or angry all the time. Its time for me to happy in my own skin.
Being an adult is exhausting.
Monday, July 2, 2012
little parts
some blog updater I am. I keep telling myself just to sit down and type, but nearly every time I do that my fingers stall at my keyboard. I don't think I have writer's block, I have masses of things to type about. I think it has more to do with fear. I'm scared of what I may dredge up in myself when I go poking around for stuff to write about. I could keep it all at a superficial level, but I would get bored with that in about 10 seconds.
there's been so much change in my life in the past two months. graduating from college, moving, enrolling in a new college, finding a job. each of those things have pushed me farther and farther beyond my comfort zone. I'm not even sure I remember what my comfort zone looks like anymore. I miss it, but I'm also a creature of habit and big change is terrifying for me. I was comfortable where I was, maybe not always happy...but I was comfortable. I'm uncomfortable right now. I'm away from friends, away from family, away from my familiar places. I get lost trying to find the library (which is less than a mile from me), I have all these new worries. yes, these worries are apart of every adult's life, but it's still new and scary for me. I've laid awake so many night terrified, just thinking about bills. I don't want to ask for help, but I don't ever want to be late on my bills either. My mind is filled with "what if I can't.." that I run through about eight million times a day. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but most of all... I'm scared of failing myself. I've dreamed about moving and going to BHSU for so long and now it's reality, I'm nearly paralyzed with fear of messing something up.
I realize more and more that I'm so sick of fear being a constant in my life. I feel like a fearful person right now, scared of what's around every corner. The fear has changed over the years; going from fear of survival, fear for my life...to just fear of what's to come in my life. I want to control all the aspects of my life, but that's just not possible. I can't control people, I can't control what's going to happen tomorrow. I torment myself going over situation in my head and then the situations never even happen. I put on my bravest mask and I face the day and never let people know how terrified I am. I cover it up with a quick smile or an easy laugh and hope my eyes don't betray how uncomfortable I am. I've spent so much of my life with some sort mask on, protecting myself from the world around me.
Lately I've been missing what I never really had. I crave a healthy father/daughter relationship, but I never had one and I mostly likely never will. I crave a happy relationship with my grandparents, any grandparents, but all the relationships I have are strained. The strained relationships are partially my fault at times because of my inability to allow people close, and I have yet to figure out the other parts. Sometimes I look at my grandparents and wonder if they really know me, or understand who I am. I want to be able to tell someone everything. Everything I have lived through, everything I've seen, just everything. I have some wonderful people in my life, but I always hold parts back. I tell people just little parts here, little parts there, but I never tell all. I think it would be healthier if I let everything out, but I'm not sure I could even do that.
just a minor late night meltdown. I have get this all out of my head/off my chest or I'll keep myself awake for hours.
there's been so much change in my life in the past two months. graduating from college, moving, enrolling in a new college, finding a job. each of those things have pushed me farther and farther beyond my comfort zone. I'm not even sure I remember what my comfort zone looks like anymore. I miss it, but I'm also a creature of habit and big change is terrifying for me. I was comfortable where I was, maybe not always happy...but I was comfortable. I'm uncomfortable right now. I'm away from friends, away from family, away from my familiar places. I get lost trying to find the library (which is less than a mile from me), I have all these new worries. yes, these worries are apart of every adult's life, but it's still new and scary for me. I've laid awake so many night terrified, just thinking about bills. I don't want to ask for help, but I don't ever want to be late on my bills either. My mind is filled with "what if I can't.." that I run through about eight million times a day. I don't want to disappoint anyone, but most of all... I'm scared of failing myself. I've dreamed about moving and going to BHSU for so long and now it's reality, I'm nearly paralyzed with fear of messing something up.
I realize more and more that I'm so sick of fear being a constant in my life. I feel like a fearful person right now, scared of what's around every corner. The fear has changed over the years; going from fear of survival, fear for my life...to just fear of what's to come in my life. I want to control all the aspects of my life, but that's just not possible. I can't control people, I can't control what's going to happen tomorrow. I torment myself going over situation in my head and then the situations never even happen. I put on my bravest mask and I face the day and never let people know how terrified I am. I cover it up with a quick smile or an easy laugh and hope my eyes don't betray how uncomfortable I am. I've spent so much of my life with some sort mask on, protecting myself from the world around me.
Lately I've been missing what I never really had. I crave a healthy father/daughter relationship, but I never had one and I mostly likely never will. I crave a happy relationship with my grandparents, any grandparents, but all the relationships I have are strained. The strained relationships are partially my fault at times because of my inability to allow people close, and I have yet to figure out the other parts. Sometimes I look at my grandparents and wonder if they really know me, or understand who I am. I want to be able to tell someone everything. Everything I have lived through, everything I've seen, just everything. I have some wonderful people in my life, but I always hold parts back. I tell people just little parts here, little parts there, but I never tell all. I think it would be healthier if I let everything out, but I'm not sure I could even do that.
just a minor late night meltdown. I have get this all out of my head/off my chest or I'll keep myself awake for hours.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
oh life
tonight was a strange night. a night that hurt me, angered me...and made me realized how much I am loved by the people around me. I was broken up with for the silliest reasons, but life goes on. I'm going to be making a huge change in a few months and who knows from there? not knowing used to terrify me, now I'm excited. I can travel, I can stay in school for as long as I want (or for as long as I have money..). yes, I'm hurting right now. yes, I will get over it. but it sure does suck for right now.
what I'm most thankful for? a wonderful family and amazing friends.
what I'm most thankful for? a wonderful family and amazing friends.
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